I lost it.....I lost my strength and my control over something i have stuffed deep down inside me for so long that i truly lost myself......
Warning this is a long post.....
Warning this is a long post.....
So here we go this is my place to share my hope and dreams and days and creations with you my friends so this post is to make sense of January,I have to get it all out,words and pictures have been spinning through my head and none of it made any sense,i have had to put thoughts and times and memories in order...So i could find my way back from lost.........
There are many other people in this story,It was not all about me i'm not that selfish to think it was but this is my story through my eyes.
My last blog post talked all about a Year at Shingle Cottage and that we were moving...I should be happy right? i was,I was so excited you know that,you came here,you read all about it and many of you said it was exciting too,going to Shingle Cottage the place of my dreams were i spent childhood holidays running the beach and playing in the park with my big Sister,oh i was in awe of her,She was gentle,kind,loving and she loved me,Deep down love,She would fight an army for me and she would win too kind of love,I looked up to her my whole life or should i say her life,her short life.....
Eight years ago she was thirty nine and she died,just fell asleep and just like that she was gone...Her heart stopped,No goodbye,No last words just me and my Mum begging the ambulance crew to try again 'She's still warm...Please see if you could wake her up ' mum begged as i searched their faces for a glimmer of hope but they were frozen with reality they had to say 'were sorry we did all we could' but please its my daughter? God i still hurt for my mum begging for her daughters life to be saved,i can't imagine losing a child,i can't imagine losing my Sister,But i did.
Mum and i clung to each other and we clung to her sobbing,the police entered the room,i didn't get it? She had died at home they come when that happens,I didn't know,the youngest policeman broke down in tears he told us it was the first death he had been called to and it really upset him,I remember thinking if my Sister were here she would make him a cup of tea and sit and talk to him,But she wasn't,She had gone,She left...Why don't you fight and stay? i told her,If it were me and there was a white light i would be screaming 'No way! i have Family' my baby Sister is right here and my Mum is begging for me to be saved i'm going back! Maybe she did scream and no one listened? is that how it is?....One day i guess we'll all find out...
Numb one minute and sheer panic and terror the next,I knew i was sinking because i could see the horror in Steve's face as i screamed to him that this couldn't be happening,He looked petrified ,i was losing it big time,Any minute and i would slip over the edge,the pain was too much i couldn't take it but Steve looked really frightened and i didn't want to hurt or scare him and that was the first time i remember swallowing the pain....
Breathing in hurt as the days passed by until there she was in front of me in a white casket dressed in lilac her favourite colour,I grabbed her hand it was like ice but i could breathe,the person i wanted so much the last few days was my Sister,The one i would always run to,She knew what to do she would fix things and now she was there,I was ok now,Even Mum looked like herself,God we were so happy to be back together the three of us,Just like every Tuesday and Wednesday when we would spend our weekend together,I love you,I love,you i told her over and over....The man at the mortuary was so kind and told us to 'stay as long as we wanted and that it was ok,There was no rush'.......You know you really need to hear that,I needed to hear that,After a loved one has passed there are a lot of rules on what you should and shouldn't do,What is and isn't appropriate.....Well he just told me and Mum it's ok to be together and that was all we needed to hear....
Mum talked about how beautiful she was and of times we had spent together......Beautiful???? Oh my God 'Mum look at her hair it's flat!'.......'Oh Lord she would have a fit' Mum said......I grabbed my bag and styled my Sisters hair for the last time and me and Mum applied her make up,She looked beautiful,People may think it's odd or weird to make up a loved one after they have passed but when her ten Year old Son came in and said 'Mum doesn't look scary at all' i was so glad we had.
At her funeral i remember i couldn't breathe and i was gasping for air as they lowered her white casket, I looked around wondering who would stop it,my Sister is in that casket and i am dying inside but i have to stand here and act like i'm ok with it,like i get it? i didn't and i don't, i don't think i ever will.
Ashes to ashes,Dust to dust and white roses were tossed onto her in our grave...Yes our grave it was dug for two,A white marble book with a carved rose stands above and on one page it tells of my Sister,her age,The Year she was born and the Year she died and sweet verses from her loved ones.....the other page is blank,It's for me....
When we were young she would always call me in the night 'Come get in my bed Tiffy it's cold'.
Her nickname for me was Tiffy and i called her Keena,The last time i spoke to her she said 'I love you Tiffy dear' always 'Tiffy dear' 'Tiffy dear pass me that cloth' or 'Come on Tiffy dear' oh how i wish i had that on tape or cd or whatever is fashionable right now...To hear one more 'Tiffy dear' out loud instead of in my dreams.
Snuggled under wool blankets and candlewick bedspreads Keena would sing 'The black hills of Dakota' from Calamity Jane as Tiffy fell asleep.
The End.....The burial was over and people turned and walked away,But wait we can't leave? We can't just leave her,Please?,i can't leave her i begged...but most lowered their heads and walked away...some glanced back knowing the pain that was inside me,I felt my legs buckle underneath me,Oh God what is happening this can't be real?.......some who had lost loved ones knew of the time i had to come.....
It was over and life moves on but i couldn't....
As October drifted by i struggled to be a new Mum,What to cook a ten year old?,You need your sport kit today?...What day was it anyway? They all drifted into one long tormenting one for me..
My boy was in a pain all of his own he was so close to his Mum,My boy?,Her boy? Our boy?...
As i sit typing this he is upstairs in bed he doesn't start work until ten today,He's Eighteen now and he made it,i did good,Steve did good,Our boy did good,We did good.
He has plans and dreams and i love him with all my heart....I would tell him he could do anything he dreamed off as i kissed him goodnight and that he was going to be ok he had Mummy watching over him....when i listen to him talking now of his apartment hunt and the business he is looking to start i know it is deep within him he believes it,She would be so proud of her 'little man'
She had loved him with all her heart,I knew how that felt,Maybe if she hadn't loved us so much we wouldn't be in this pain i thought to myself.
The weeks passed by and after i had dropped 'our boy' off at school i arrived back home and dissolved in floods of tears.....I thought i was going to die of pain and on a dark day dark thoughts entered my head but i snapped out of it because i had 'our boy' to pick up from school,He would be waiting,Ok Krissie get a grip swallow it down,Push it down deep and act like everything is ok,You have to be strong now go Fix your face and prepare dinner and then go pick up our boy.
When i walked across the playground there was our boy in the window waving,The rest of the class would be seated,The Teacher knew,He understood,Our boy was looking for me,His Mummy had died at home while he was upstairs and his biggest fear was that it would happen to me too so he would stand and watch and wait.
Some days i would walk around the corner and i would see him but he wouldn't see me and his face was in terror,He would be stretching his neck and looking round and when he finally looked at me he would wave and give the biggest smile,I would whisper 'i love you' and he would tell his teacher and point at me and the teacher would wave,Then relieved he would go sit down,Bless our boy and his little heart,His poor broken heart.
Our boy just woke up and i told him about this post that i'm writing and he said 'So your a bit like Taylor Swift but with a blog? Getting it all of your chest? and we laughed!
He makes me laugh,He is funny!
He just told me that i'll be ok when we move,I know,I believe him but wow i will miss him,I hope he is ready for me texting at least a hundred times a day!
You know it's the best thing in the world that i can talk to him anytime about her,He gets it,He has the same love and we both know the pain we have inside.
After New Year's Eve rang in and it was 2013 i thought this is it! This is the Year we move to Shingle Cottage and then like a train coming at high speed i was knocked flat on the ground.....I'm leaving my Sister behind!
Dark days and tears...
I have cried so much this month and i haven't really got why? We always said she would be the first in the car when we move,It was our Summer place we were moving to,Where she had planned to move to......So i had thought about it and dealt with it but something was wrong,This was different,Put your finger on it what's wrong? but i couldn't,I didn't know....Only one thing i knew is i couldn't swallow this down.
After my Sister died i had one dream where the french doors in our bedroom blew open and she was stood there dark circles under her eyes in that lilac gown and she screamed 'I'm dead!' and i woke panicked and wondering if that just happened.
People said oh she will come to you in dreams and you will know she is there,It never happened.
Until last week i was sat here trying to write a post and i deleted it as i have done the last few weeks and i cried i can not do this,i can't,i can't move home, i was rock bottom but then i felt as if two arms were hugging me round the neck and i felt my sisters presence behind me...In my head i heard her say we'll do it together Tiffy dear just like we planned'
I felt so relieved,I don't know if i imagined it or if it happened but i felt her and i feel her love around me this week.
Steve said i have been grieving for the loss of my Sister Eight Years too late and it makes perfect sense to me,This last few weeks i have stopped swallowing the pain and i have felt the loss.....It's time to move on.
Our boy is getting an apartment and i don't have to be strong anymore,He's ok,I can let go we made it!
I'm ok....Now i get it i'm ok....These two boys of mine are life savers.
Phew Thank you for listening girls,I just read this post back to myself and it feels good,it makes sense and i like that it's here,It's a huge part of me.
We haven't moved to Shingle Cottage yet,Steve's Mum had a new knee replacement(She's doing great it was a success no more pain) and so we stayed home and then we had really bad snow the weekend after ......
Steve went last weekend and painted some more of the floors white and this weekend i'm heading over there with him i have a lot of catching up to do,I haven't seen my little cottage for three weeks.
'My Lifeboys at Castle Howard June 2008 off in front talking boy talk'
I'm going to write in my diary under June 2013.....Grab the boys,drive to Castle Howard and take your camera!
Ok i'm taking a deep breath,Life is good!
see you soon girls!
XxX
I held my breath through that whole post! So fearful of a sad ending, but so happy it was not. You are one strong lady my dear and those two men are very lucky to have you in their lives.
ReplyDeleteI too lost my sister and know full well the pain you feel. I try my best to keep all the laughter and fun times in the forefront of my mind. To do otherwise is madness.
Thank you for sharing and I am sending cyber {{{{hugs}}}} out to you today.
janet xox
The Empty Nest
Wow! What a post~complete truth and vulnerability shining through it all. Krissie you are a strong woman and your sister would be soooo proud!
ReplyDeleteOh I feel your pain! I lost my brother in 2005. In an accident. No good bye. It was and still is so hard. He was a year and a half younger than I. We were always close and I loved him so much. Just as you loved your sister.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing,
Amy Jo
Losing My hearty hurts for you ,your love is strong grief is very real for many years!
ReplyDeleteWhen some one leaves us when lst the we're we'll and perfect it's so hard to process our beautiful loved ones gone!
How lucky her boy has you and your memories of love to share with him.
Whoa... what a powerful post. I'm so moved by it all... Isn't it amazing how you've held that for so long, and now it has completely bubbled to the surface to be faced head on. What a wonderful, painful, miraculous story. And feeling your sister's presence finally! Oh my gosh...
ReplyDeleteYour description of it all is so real, so intimate,so heartfelt... it moved me to tears, i don't even know what to say... except you are amazing
Cindy
At the time my brother died (he was the eldest of the five of us) - too early in our lives - I somehow had his incoming voicemail message on my cell phone. I could hear his big, deep, booming voice whenever I wanted, just with the push of a few buttons. Then the mobile provider made some big change in their service and, one day, it was just gone. No warning. I experienced that loss again reading how you wanted to hear her voice just once more. I have two sisters, one just two years older, and the other 18 years younger (!), and I treasure them both. My older sister and I live six hours apart, but get together without fail on Independence Day (July 4 in the US) and at New Years, when we jump into the Atlantic Ocean with hundreds of other crazy fools. In two months' time, we will celebrate my 70th and her 72nd birthdays (only a week apart) by meeting at a beautiful mountain cabin, without other family distractions, to spend several days walking through the woods, reading, knitting, drinking tea, and just being together. I will think of you then, and your dear sister, and know that she is with you always, by the sea and in your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart and your your life with all of us. I know your Sister is still watching over all of you and so happy you are taking such good care of her sweet Son. Good luck to him in his new apartment and I can't wait to see more of Shingle Cottage once you get moved in... you have done a great job! Take care!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Wanda
I had wondered where you had gotten to....and I've just had to dry my tears as they roll down my cheeks into my neck. Dear K, I am so sorry you are missing your sister. I haven't lost anyone near so I cannot comprehend your loss, but I can feel the agony in your words, and your pain. You are so fortunate to have had such a wonderful sister, and to have such wonderful memories to hand down to her and your son...so that you all remember her, and what a splendid gift you have given your dear sister, that she has entrusted you with her son...to love, to cherish and to nurture...may your grief wane in the next few weeks and may you be filled with a contentment and joy of having loved such a sister...Sharon x
ReplyDeleteMy dad died more than 20 years ago he was in his 50's.We weren't close he was a very reserved person so I never said "I love you Dad" but he came to me in a dream and sat next to me on the settee and I said "I love you Dad" and I have been at peace since then.Peace be with you also.And on a lighter note I shall sooo look forward to your move into Shingle Cottage!Warm regards Pam.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a wonderful relationship you had with your sister and your "son" is so lucky to have you as his Mom.....Shingle Cottage is looking beautiful....looking forward to reading about your adventures there.
ReplyDeleteI had to stop and wipe my eyes half way through your post to continue reading. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I do believe it was your sister comforting you in your time of need, or an angel from heaven. When my dad was close to death in hospital a few months ago I prayed to God not to take him yet..to give him a little more time and was sobbing my heart out. Then..just as you described in your post.. I felt like a warm blanket surround me and a peace came over me and felt like someone was saying.. 'he's going to be alright'. I had never experienced anything like that. After 6wks in hospital and our 2 of them were in intensive care, he got out of hospital and has been out for 3 months now and gets stronger everyday. I think your sister would be so proud of you.. for looking after her son as you did and I truly believe she would want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest. I think shingle cottage is such a special place full of wonderful memories and how wonderful to be able to live there! No matter where you go your sister will always be with you as she is always in your heart. take care, maryann
ReplyDeleteI have missed you! I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a painful time; however, through the words you've written, it seems like it has been a healing process through which you have endured. Your sister left her most precious gift with you ... her son. What an honor it must be to see him growing into a young man you know she would be so very proud of ... just as you and your hubby are. And what a testament of her love for you to entrust him in your care. I have a feeling you will experience many warm moments at Shingle Cottage sensing her presence beside you ... running the beach and playing in the park. I hope your new life there will be doubly blessed and wonderful ... live it and love it enough for both you and Keena.
ReplyDeleteFondly,
Diane
Dear Krissie,
ReplyDeleteI lost my little sister 33 years ago in a horrendous car accident. She was only 21. I was pregnant with my first baby and she was over-the-moon excited about being an aunt again. I lost several pounds in my 7th month and the Dr. scolded me soundly. He said I had to carry on for my sister's sake and take care of my baby. That is what you've done and I'm really proud of you. You took care of your/her son and have apparently done a great job. You and the boy needed each other and God knew that. You'll get each other through. It does get easier. I picture my little sis in heaven, totally happy,laughing her beautiful laugh and now enjoying our parents as they are now in heaven too. God bless you and your family.
Hugs, Betsy
I have just read your post and cried the whole way through. How very sad to loose a sister so very young and for your parents to loose a daughter. Life seems so unfair sometimes and you wonder what you have done to deserve this terrible pain. I don't go to church but I truly believe that there must be another life and I am sure your bond with your sister was far too strong for her to completely leave you and the ones she loved...she will always be with you, arms wrapped around you all.
ReplyDeleteWarm wishes Andrea x
What a powerful post and writing is such a powerful tool to help find the answers, to find the way. You know that your sister would love what you have done with the cottage and you are not leaving her behind, for she is always with you. I am glad that you shared with us, not for us, rather for you. We will continue to look forward to your moving and seeing the cottage just as you and Steve have worked so hard to make it perfect. Welcome back.
ReplyDeleteAm writing this with tears running down my face, go to Shingle Cottage with your sister's blessing. You've done an amazing job for her, bringing up her boy as your own, but always letting him talk about her too, which must have been hard for you. Take time to grieve properly, you've held it all in and can now let go. I do know what you mean though, about feeling you are leaving her ... my baby girl died at birth and the day we left our old house I felt as though I was abandoning her as I had been pregnant there. I arrived at our new house distraught when I should have been happy and stood in front of the kitchen window crying my eyes out. Suddenly a magpie (our symbol for her) flew past the window and sat on a branch in front of me. The sorrow lifted and I've never looked back, because instead of leaving her, she came with us, just as your lovely sister will come with you, to a place you both loved. She will give you a sign and all will be well ....
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your amazing family, good luck with the move ... I've missed you!
Much love, Claire xxx
Wow, powerful writing and I feel very emotional reading this. I hope you have found it cathartic writing it all down, you are very brave. You are moving to a new chapter in your life, look forward. Your sister will always be with you. I take great comfort from these lines from a poem I was sent when my mum died, 'Listen to my footfall in your heart, I am not gone, I merely walk within you.' Your sister would be so proud of her son and the love you feel for him.
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug hug.
Ruth xx
What a sad, but beautiful post. I wondered where you had gone and hoped that it wasn't something serious keeping you away. Even though it was not a recent event the loss of a sister never goes away and can come back like it just happened at any time. I lost my sister 20 years ago (I can't believe it is that long!) due to an illness. She had two small children that I wanted to take home with me more than anything because her husband was a terrible person, but I could not which was very hard. My mother and I did all we could over the years to see they had what they needed. Your nephew was very lucky to have such love over the last 8 years. My nephew and niece are all grown up now too and have turned into wonderful people. Your sister is with you on your big move I believe that with all my heart and she is enjoying your exciting time with you and will be with you there as well.
ReplyDeleteAll my emotion is high in my throat this month. Reading this helps to let the tears go. We try too keep it all together, inside, we may falling apart. As you describe what happened in the Chapel of Rest I see images, flashbacks of me and Mum. Asking for her teeth! Being happy and sad to be able to go and see her still. It is good that you wrote this down, let it out. I see and feel your pain. Where has that time gone? You have done such a brilliant job with everything. You have double the strength as your sister has given you extra. You are a special person.\
ReplyDeleteYour cottage is perfect and will be wonderful home for your family to share good times and sad times.
I lost my sister in law, she was 32 left a four and five year old, I felt and saw the turmoil, tears, anger, frustrations and such pain this creates.
Why does this happen? to a young mother? it brings a lot of questions with it and doubts.
When I spoke of my good friend I did not mention that she had just come home from hospital, she suffered a heart attack last Sunday week. Shock. It shakes us all up, makes us re-assess our lives and how we deal with things...like stress.
Krissie I wish you all the luck I possibly can. My love goes with that.
Cxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Krissie, I was with you every word. My heart broke. I felt your pain and your boy's pain. I was there, have been there a few times in my life. Heart ache and grief so hard to adjust to. The journey we all take over and over from one loved one till it's our time. I am so glad your able to move forward. Your sister will be with you when you go. I believe if you remember them in mind, and in spirit with the love you always had. They will always be there never to be forgotten as long as there name passes on your lips, mind and heart. I send you a Hug. Hugs, Cindy
ReplyDeleteJanuary is a very depressing month to me. I think it is because of the hype of Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I lost my grandma 12 years ago, and I still miss her terribly, she adored me and me her. My dad passed in march 07, and I still miss him. I have questions sometimes that only they can answer. My dad and grandma come to me in dreams. In November, it was different. My dad seemed celestial, no words, but comfort that everything will be alright. My mother (who I was not close too) died a few days later. I told my husband and daughters that my dad had come to me, so we weren't surprised.
ReplyDeleteThis has made me weep to write. I just want you to know it is ok to miss her, and mourn her occasionally, but not always, it is not what she would have wanted for you. blessings
I am new to Shingle Cottage, just my second visit. You had me in tears today. My sister and I don't get to see one another often enough - she works 2 weeks of every month in London - we live in southern California. She and I have always been close and with our parents no longer here, we mean even more to one another. Your post made me appreciate her even more.
ReplyDeleteYou are to be admired for raising her son while you were filled with so much grief. I am so happy for you that you are ready to move to Shingle Cottage. I look forward to reading more about Shingle Cottage and updates on "your boy" and his adventure on his own.
Dearest Krissie,
ReplyDeletethis is the most beautiful, sad and inspiring post I have ever read.
This was a journey you had to make to "allow" yourself to leave.
Your boy will be fine and you will sing in your new home .
I'm always there where we chat if you need me. xxx
I didn't leave a trail of breadcrumbs or white stones, so I have no idea of how I got here - just reading along on a damp, west coast morning. I have a good look around and a good read - sister love is precious and like no other. I'll be back.
ReplyDeleteOh dear Krissie! Thanks for sharing. There is always so much more to know about the person behind the blog. The beautiful blog. The word "home" runs so deep. I've been taken by surprise by my emotions too at times. I'm so glad you are working it out, and that your dear sister is making a new home with you too.
ReplyDeleteWhat a difficult post this must have been to write, I read it through tears. You have done so well with her son, you are an inspiration to us all. Good luck with Shingle Cottage, it will be fine. x
ReplyDeleteHey Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteThinking about you tonight...and hoping you're doing ok, none of us are really ok are we?, but we do the best we can. In some ways i'm happy and proud for you that you are brave enough to allow yourself to move through these intense emotions, and i know it's hard, really hard... but it is right and good to be in it all, let it happen, let yourself experience it, and let the bubbles and pockets of pain move through you... just wanted to let you know that you are on my mind...
kisses
Cindy
What a writer. What power and soul. What a blog post. You have reduced me to tears my lovely. I don't know how I missed this blog post but just found it via Twitter.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for everything you have had to go through.
But I agree with others like Thriftwood, go with your sister's blessing.
Even if you hadn't felt her arms around your neck, she is still around you all the time. I am a big believer in that.
I also believe the sea is a huge healer.
God your writing tonight has put a chill down my spine. How utterly compelling and heartfelt.
A massive hug to you.
Gem xx x x x xx
I just wrote you a really long post and then I was asked for my password and it seems to have lost the words......SO frustrating.
ReplyDeleteOh, how this blog post gave me shivers down my spine, for your grief. I don't know how I missed this post, I only just found it.
This is the best blog post ever. It is so heart felt, sincere, emotional. Oohh my lovely one, go to Shingle Cottage with your sister's blessing like Thriftwood said.
She would want you there.
So annoyed I lost my initial comment, I wrote so much. You write exquisitely my love and I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you've suffered for so long. The sea is a healer. Be healed.
Big hug to you
Gem xx x x x
I am writing to you with tears streaming down my face. It was a tragedy to lose your sister but you were so blessed to have someone like her in your life. So many people never get to experience the very special love that you two evidently shared.
ReplyDeleteYou were entrusted with such an amazing gift - her boy - your boy and it sounds like you did a wonderful job raising him. It sounds like it's time to move to Shingle Cottage and I think you will be closer to your sister there - not leaving her behind. Take care...J
I agree with the last comment - she will follwo you because she is in your heart. That was brave post to write - what is it about bloggers that we know there will be people out there who will understand whatever your thoughts are at the time. Noone judges and all seem to care. Is it the anomimity I wonder. I found your post over Christmas and read the whole thing then you were gone. I think this move is timed perfectly for you all, new horizons to go to. I too started reading thinking oh how is this going to end........ Do you feel better now you have written and can read it back to yourself. Please go forward to Shingle Cottage with a lift iin your heart - she will come with you.........
ReplyDeleteMy darling friend, I wish I could hold you, hug you, cry with you and wipe away your tears when you are sad. It happens that I am here, on the other side of the world, but nothing stops me from being with you in spirit, in a heart beat, to listen to your hearts words, feel your hurt, your sorrows but also feel your joys and celebrate the blessings and good things in this life for you. I am here. The number of oceans between us cannot divide us. I believe that people are sent to us at different times for different reasons. Beautiful friend, I believe that Keena is with you every moment of every day and sees the beautiful life you have made for yourself and your family and how amazing her boy has grown up to be because of you. He is a credit to you both. In this world, we are all connected in both the flesh and in spirit. If I can hold you and send you my love from this great distance, I believe that everyone who has ever known you would wrap their light and their loving energy around you too. I feel that Keena's light surrounds you and is everywhere shining through everything around you and everything you do. Please keep your beautiful head up my dearest friend. You are my inspitation and my kindred spirit xxx I love you
ReplyDelete