I lost it.....I lost my strength and my control over something i have stuffed deep down inside me for so long that i truly lost myself......
Warning this is a long post.....
Warning this is a long post.....
So here we go this is my place to share my hope and dreams and days and creations with you my friends so this post is to make sense of January,I have to get it all out,words and pictures have been spinning through my head and none of it made any sense,i have had to put thoughts and times and memories in order...So i could find my way back from lost.........
There are many other people in this story,It was not all about me i'm not that selfish to think it was but this is my story through my eyes.
My last blog post talked all about a Year at Shingle Cottage and that we were moving...I should be happy right? i was,I was so excited you know that,you came here,you read all about it and many of you said it was exciting too,going to Shingle Cottage the place of my dreams were i spent childhood holidays running the beach and playing in the park with my big Sister,oh i was in awe of her,She was gentle,kind,loving and she loved me,Deep down love,She would fight an army for me and she would win too kind of love,I looked up to her my whole life or should i say her life,her short life.....
Eight years ago she was thirty nine and she died,just fell asleep and just like that she was gone...Her heart stopped,No goodbye,No last words just me and my Mum begging the ambulance crew to try again 'She's still warm...Please see if you could wake her up ' mum begged as i searched their faces for a glimmer of hope but they were frozen with reality they had to say 'were sorry we did all we could' but please its my daughter? God i still hurt for my mum begging for her daughters life to be saved,i can't imagine losing a child,i can't imagine losing my Sister,But i did.
Mum and i clung to each other and we clung to her sobbing,the police entered the room,i didn't get it? She had died at home they come when that happens,I didn't know,the youngest policeman broke down in tears he told us it was the first death he had been called to and it really upset him,I remember thinking if my Sister were here she would make him a cup of tea and sit and talk to him,But she wasn't,She had gone,She left...Why don't you fight and stay? i told her,If it were me and there was a white light i would be screaming 'No way! i have Family' my baby Sister is right here and my Mum is begging for me to be saved i'm going back! Maybe she did scream and no one listened? is that how it is?....One day i guess we'll all find out...
Numb one minute and sheer panic and terror the next,I knew i was sinking because i could see the horror in Steve's face as i screamed to him that this couldn't be happening,He looked petrified ,i was losing it big time,Any minute and i would slip over the edge,the pain was too much i couldn't take it but Steve looked really frightened and i didn't want to hurt or scare him and that was the first time i remember swallowing the pain....
Breathing in hurt as the days passed by until there she was in front of me in a white casket dressed in lilac her favourite colour,I grabbed her hand it was like ice but i could breathe,the person i wanted so much the last few days was my Sister,The one i would always run to,She knew what to do she would fix things and now she was there,I was ok now,Even Mum looked like herself,God we were so happy to be back together the three of us,Just like every Tuesday and Wednesday when we would spend our weekend together,I love you,I love,you i told her over and over....The man at the mortuary was so kind and told us to 'stay as long as we wanted and that it was ok,There was no rush'.......You know you really need to hear that,I needed to hear that,After a loved one has passed there are a lot of rules on what you should and shouldn't do,What is and isn't appropriate.....Well he just told me and Mum it's ok to be together and that was all we needed to hear....
Mum talked about how beautiful she was and of times we had spent together......Beautiful???? Oh my God 'Mum look at her hair it's flat!'.......'Oh Lord she would have a fit' Mum said......I grabbed my bag and styled my Sisters hair for the last time and me and Mum applied her make up,She looked beautiful,People may think it's odd or weird to make up a loved one after they have passed but when her ten Year old Son came in and said 'Mum doesn't look scary at all' i was so glad we had.
At her funeral i remember i couldn't breathe and i was gasping for air as they lowered her white casket, I looked around wondering who would stop it,my Sister is in that casket and i am dying inside but i have to stand here and act like i'm ok with it,like i get it? i didn't and i don't, i don't think i ever will.
Ashes to ashes,Dust to dust and white roses were tossed onto her in our grave...Yes our grave it was dug for two,A white marble book with a carved rose stands above and on one page it tells of my Sister,her age,The Year she was born and the Year she died and sweet verses from her loved ones.....the other page is blank,It's for me....
When we were young she would always call me in the night 'Come get in my bed Tiffy it's cold'.
Her nickname for me was Tiffy and i called her Keena,The last time i spoke to her she said 'I love you Tiffy dear' always 'Tiffy dear' 'Tiffy dear pass me that cloth' or 'Come on Tiffy dear' oh how i wish i had that on tape or cd or whatever is fashionable right now...To hear one more 'Tiffy dear' out loud instead of in my dreams.
Snuggled under wool blankets and candlewick bedspreads Keena would sing 'The black hills of Dakota' from Calamity Jane as Tiffy fell asleep.
The End.....The burial was over and people turned and walked away,But wait we can't leave? We can't just leave her,Please?,i can't leave her i begged...but most lowered their heads and walked away...some glanced back knowing the pain that was inside me,I felt my legs buckle underneath me,Oh God what is happening this can't be real?.......some who had lost loved ones knew of the time i had to come.....
It was over and life moves on but i couldn't....
As October drifted by i struggled to be a new Mum,What to cook a ten year old?,You need your sport kit today?...What day was it anyway? They all drifted into one long tormenting one for me..
My boy was in a pain all of his own he was so close to his Mum,My boy?,Her boy? Our boy?...
As i sit typing this he is upstairs in bed he doesn't start work until ten today,He's Eighteen now and he made it,i did good,Steve did good,Our boy did good,We did good.
He has plans and dreams and i love him with all my heart....I would tell him he could do anything he dreamed off as i kissed him goodnight and that he was going to be ok he had Mummy watching over him....when i listen to him talking now of his apartment hunt and the business he is looking to start i know it is deep within him he believes it,She would be so proud of her 'little man'
She had loved him with all her heart,I knew how that felt,Maybe if she hadn't loved us so much we wouldn't be in this pain i thought to myself.
The weeks passed by and after i had dropped 'our boy' off at school i arrived back home and dissolved in floods of tears.....I thought i was going to die of pain and on a dark day dark thoughts entered my head but i snapped out of it because i had 'our boy' to pick up from school,He would be waiting,Ok Krissie get a grip swallow it down,Push it down deep and act like everything is ok,You have to be strong now go Fix your face and prepare dinner and then go pick up our boy.
When i walked across the playground there was our boy in the window waving,The rest of the class would be seated,The Teacher knew,He understood,Our boy was looking for me,His Mummy had died at home while he was upstairs and his biggest fear was that it would happen to me too so he would stand and watch and wait.
Some days i would walk around the corner and i would see him but he wouldn't see me and his face was in terror,He would be stretching his neck and looking round and when he finally looked at me he would wave and give the biggest smile,I would whisper 'i love you' and he would tell his teacher and point at me and the teacher would wave,Then relieved he would go sit down,Bless our boy and his little heart,His poor broken heart.
Our boy just woke up and i told him about this post that i'm writing and he said 'So your a bit like Taylor Swift but with a blog? Getting it all of your chest? and we laughed!
He makes me laugh,He is funny!
He just told me that i'll be ok when we move,I know,I believe him but wow i will miss him,I hope he is ready for me texting at least a hundred times a day!
You know it's the best thing in the world that i can talk to him anytime about her,He gets it,He has the same love and we both know the pain we have inside.
After New Year's Eve rang in and it was 2013 i thought this is it! This is the Year we move to Shingle Cottage and then like a train coming at high speed i was knocked flat on the ground.....I'm leaving my Sister behind!
Dark days and tears...
I have cried so much this month and i haven't really got why? We always said she would be the first in the car when we move,It was our Summer place we were moving to,Where she had planned to move to......So i had thought about it and dealt with it but something was wrong,This was different,Put your finger on it what's wrong? but i couldn't,I didn't know....Only one thing i knew is i couldn't swallow this down.
After my Sister died i had one dream where the french doors in our bedroom blew open and she was stood there dark circles under her eyes in that lilac gown and she screamed 'I'm dead!' and i woke panicked and wondering if that just happened.
People said oh she will come to you in dreams and you will know she is there,It never happened.
Until last week i was sat here trying to write a post and i deleted it as i have done the last few weeks and i cried i can not do this,i can't,i can't move home, i was rock bottom but then i felt as if two arms were hugging me round the neck and i felt my sisters presence behind me...In my head i heard her say we'll do it together Tiffy dear just like we planned'
I felt so relieved,I don't know if i imagined it or if it happened but i felt her and i feel her love around me this week.
Steve said i have been grieving for the loss of my Sister Eight Years too late and it makes perfect sense to me,This last few weeks i have stopped swallowing the pain and i have felt the loss.....It's time to move on.
Our boy is getting an apartment and i don't have to be strong anymore,He's ok,I can let go we made it!
I'm ok....Now i get it i'm ok....These two boys of mine are life savers.
Phew Thank you for listening girls,I just read this post back to myself and it feels good,it makes sense and i like that it's here,It's a huge part of me.
We haven't moved to Shingle Cottage yet,Steve's Mum had a new knee replacement(She's doing great it was a success no more pain) and so we stayed home and then we had really bad snow the weekend after ......
Steve went last weekend and painted some more of the floors white and this weekend i'm heading over there with him i have a lot of catching up to do,I haven't seen my little cottage for three weeks.
'My Lifeboys at Castle Howard June 2008 off in front talking boy talk'
I'm going to write in my diary under June 2013.....Grab the boys,drive to Castle Howard and take your camera!
Ok i'm taking a deep breath,Life is good!
see you soon girls!